


Friendship Fades Away

by InventoryFull



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-29
Updated: 2011-09-29
Packaged: 2017-10-24 04:06:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/258814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InventoryFull/pseuds/InventoryFull
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story dealing with Merrill's betrayal of Hawke in the Fade and the consequences arising from that event. Lady Hawke/Merrill.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Problem

"We will wait here a few more days for Carver. If he doesn't show...we will leave."

"Thank you, love," Leandra Hawke flashed her eldest daughter a relieved smile.

"Are you sure about this, Rachel?" Bethany Hawke joined her mother and older sister, glancing apprehensively towards the southern horizon as she spoke.

"You should take mother and leave with the Cooks, Bethany. I'll wait here for Carver."

Leandra narrowed her eyes as she faced her eldest daughter, "No. I will not abandon two of my children. We are family and we stay together."

Rachel Hawke fell silent for a moment, taking in the sights and sounds of her fellow townsfolk rushing through the village of Lothering, gathering their most important possessions in preparation for the long trip north. Earlier that day, scouts warned the Templar commander, Ser Bryant, that the darkspawn horde approached Lothering; they estimated that the horde would arrive in mere days. Ser Bryant ordered for the evacuation of the town after receiving this information.

A few soldiers from King Calian's army returned from the slaughter at Ostagar; her younger brother, Carver, wasn't one of them. She wished to protect her mother and Bethany but knew in her heart that Carver probably died in the battle. Realistically, leaving immediately with the Cook family to travel north was the best course of action, ensuring both her mother's and Bethany's safety. The 'perfect' outcome involved waiting a few more days in the hope that Carver miraculously survived the battle, and then fleeing as a whole family, saving everyone. Hawke always expected nothing short of perfection from herself; an unsurprising trait considering her father had always expected the same...

"We'll all stay here and wait for Carver," she finally responded to her mother, still unsure of the decision.

"What about Jenna?" Bethany asked her sister, surprised that Hawke seemed so willing to stay behind without considering her girlfriend. Jenna Cook was Hawke's first sweetheart, first lover, first everything that had anything to do with love. The Cook family planned to flee Lothering as soon as possible and offered for the Hawke family to accompany them. Carver's continuing absence spoiled those plans and the lovers were destined for separation.

"I need to say goodbye. I'll be back shortly." Hawke left her family standing in their yard, both watching her as she disappeared around the corner. The walk over to the Cook's farmhouse seemed to take an eternity since her legs felt like lead. She grew ill; her stomach twisted in knots; sweat beaded on her left temple. Hawke didn't know how to say goodbye properly to someone that meant everything to her. Even though barely twenty years of age, she decided that Jenna was the perfect woman for her and would never need another. The fact that a relationship as strong as theirs could end so abruptly frightened Hawke.

She found Jenna inside her family's farmhouse. Hawke explained the situation to her lover, remaining distant and stoic at first. The conversation quickly ended with Jenna sobbing while Hawke held her tightly, assuring her that someday they would see each other again.

* * *

Hawke slouched forward in her chair by the fireplace, head resting on her hands and elbows sitting on her lap. She knew the position was bad for her posture but was too melancholy to care. Memories of those final days in Lothering haunted her still. Even four years later, she held on tightly to her regrets over decisions made and things left unsaid. She often wondered how her life would have turned out differently if the family left Lothering with the Cook family. Bethany would still be alive though Carver would probably be dead. She felt incredibly guilty and sorrowful over her sisters death. Not only because her decision to wait for Carver ultimately led to her sister's early demise at the hands of the darkspawn but also because she knew Bethany lived in her own ever present and oppressing shadow. Rachel Hawke's father placed her on a pedestal as the example of the perfect little aspiring mage while her mother doted on her and claimed that she was the perfect daughter and young woman. They expected Bethany to look up to her big sister while emulating her in every way and the younger Hawke sister did just that. In her youth, Hawke enjoyed this kind of attention. Looking back as an adult, she realized how unfair it was to Bethany; tragic that young woman never had the chance to grow into her own person. Then Carver ran off to join the Templars after she returned from the Deep Roads, further breaking an already troubled relationship.

Hawke sighed and stood up from her chair. She proceeded to walk over to the library in the Amell estate and haphazardly glanced over the books resting on the nearest shelf. She thought about Jenna. Hawke knew that the relationship with her first lover would still be intact if her family had left Lothering earlier; the perfect couple living the perfect life together. She had since moved on and even dated another woman for eleven months a few years prior. After that relationship ended, Hawke focused all her energy on her mother and reclaiming the Amell estate in Hightown, remaining single throughout the past year.

Against her will and better judgment, she slowly developed strong feelings for her best friend, Merrill. She believed the chances of her ever having a romantic relationship with the elf equaled the chances of her brother speaking to her ever again on friendly terms; or the chances of Varric running out of stories. Merrill was an eccentric woman who never seemed to show romantic interest in anyone. It seemed odd to think of the elf taking a lover but that didn't stop her from falling for her. They had always been close friends; sharing an interest in magic, history, and other academic activities. Furthermore, Hawke appreciated Merrill's quirky yet bubbly personality, never fearing a dull moment around her. When Hawke was in yet another of her ridiculously self-critical moods, she could always count on Merrill to lift her spirits by simply being Merrill. On top of all this, Hawke found the elf's exotic looks quite irresistible, even when compared to other elves.

Hawke would never pursue Merrill, believing any attempt would inevitably fail for many possible reasons; most notably, the fact that Merrill seemed uninterested in such things . Hawke was the type of person who refused to play a game if she knew she couldn't win. Hence, why she never played cards with Isabela.

The troubled noble woman desperately needed a boost to her spirits after spending most of the morning in front of the fire reflecting on her past failures, however, things were a bit troubled between herself and Merrill ever since the incident in the Fade.

A week ago, Hawke, along with Merrill, Isabela, and Fenris, agreed to enter the Fade in order to free a young elf-blooded mage from a handful of demons that made their home within the dream-like realm. Both Isabela and Merrill succumbed to demonic influence, making a deal with the spirit; kill Hawke and the demon would give them their hearts desire. She forgave Isabela relatively quickly and told Merrill she forgave her as well. She lied. Merrill's betrayal hurt her deeply, further confusing her feelings for the elf. Hawke knew full well how the Fade can affect an individual's perceptions and make people behave differently from their usual selves. Ultimately, she knew it was unfair to hold Merrill to a higher standard than Isabela, even if she was a mage and more trustworthy in general. However, those things had nothing to do with her disappointment with Merrill. Her personal feelings clouded her judgment; she believed their friendship powerful enough to overcome such a trial. It now seemed even more unlikely Merrill could ever return her affections.

Hawke finally decided to leave the estate and go visit Isabela or Varric at The Hanged Man. Since gaining a noble title, Hawke didn't get the chance to hang out at her friend's favorite watering hole nearly as much as she used to. She grabbed her cloak, swinging it around her shoulders and pulling it close to her neck, as she exited the estate.

* * *

Hawke entered The Hanged Man and surveyed the main room for Isabela. She spotted her friend sitting at a table against the back wall but she had company. Merrill sat across the table from Isabela and listened intently as the pirate spoke with very animated gestures. Hawke would have turned and left the pub if Isabela hadn't spotted her. She waved Hawke over and motioned for her to join her at the table. Hawke had no choice but to concede to the offer even though she'd rather avoid the tension with the Merrill issue.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in. Have a seat, Hawke," Isabela gestured for Hawke to sit down. Merrill quickly glanced up at Hawke before turning her gaze onto her entwined hands. Hawke sat down on Merrill's side of the table without acknowledging the elf.

"Anything new, Isabela?"

Merrill suddenly spoke as she quickly hopped up from her seat, "I think I'll visit Varric now. I'll let you two have some privacy."

"You don't have to leave us, Kitten. It's not like we are going to talk about you," Isabela winked as she directed a smile over at Merrill.

"I know but I just remembered that there was something I wanted to ask Varric...about his crossbow. I wonder if he sleeps with it at night...Anders once told me that he does. I'm not sure if Anders was serious or if..."

"You know Varric refuses to give out the juicy details about Bianca."

"I know...but I'll try. I was just thinking about it earlier and...I should just shut up and go." Merrill hastily turned from the table and scampered up the stairs towards the upper rooms of the tavern.

Isabela took a quick drink from her mug and turned to Hawke with a puzzled expression on her face.

"I don't think Varric's in his room right now. She's been acting odd recently," Isabela chuckled, "Well, more odd than usual. You've been off yourself, Hawke. You both ignored each other just now...what's going on? Did something happen with you two?"

Hawke leaned forward, placed her elbows on the table and rested her head in her hands. She let out a heavy sigh, "Yes...the Fade happened."

"I thought you were over that? Does this mean you're still upset with me?"

"No, I'm not upset with you at all."

"Well, that hardly seems fair. Why aren't you angry with me and just Merrill?"

"I don't know. For starters, you aren't a mage...and, you know...honestly, I'd be surprised if you didn't take the demon's offer for the ship."

"So you're saying I'm not trustworthy?"

"It's not that you are not trustworthy it's that Merrill's more trustworthy..."

"Oh, you sure do know how to make a woman feel good about herself. When was the last time you were with a woman? How many years has it been now?"

"Very funny."

"No, seriously. You're gorgeous but so damn uptight all the time. You just need to get some and all your problems will be solved."

"It's not that simple, Isabela. Not every problem can be solved with sex."

"No, but it will make you feel good. Then you will forget about the problems. Simple."

"I'll pass."

"Why don't you grab a pint and join me in a game of cards. I'll let you win, I swear."

Hawke groaned into her hands.

Isabela sighed, her face showing concern for her friend, "Just go talk to Merrill about what happened."

"I have already and I told her I forgave her."

"But you lied about it and she knows in that pretty little head of hers that something's still wrong between you two...she wouldn't have made up some lame excuse to leave just now if she didn't."

"I know and I will speak with her. I just need to clear my head first."

"It's more like you need a wallop mallet to the head."

"I wouldn't mind that at all. I'd be unconscious and free of this shit for some time."

"You're a mess; look at you...swearing like a sailor...go take a walk around Hightown. Sitting in here and brooding won't help."

"Yeah, you're right. Thanks." Hawke rose from the table and left the tavern. The talk with Isabela succeeded in causing her more guilt over her unfair treatment of Merrill. Perhaps a walk around town would help clear her head?

* * *

Isabela ascended the stairs in The Hanged Man and made her way towards Varric's room. As suspected, the door to his room was closed shut and Merrill sat on the floor leaning her back against the wall on the right side of the door, arms wrapped around her legs and her knees pulled up to her chin. Merrill, lost in contemplation, didn't notice the human approach.

"You've been sitting here the entire time, Kitten?"

Merrill flinched nervously at the sound of Isabela's voice and quickly jumped up from her sitting position on the floor.

"I was...Varric's not here so I decided to wait for him. I'm sure he'll be back soon, don't you think?"

"Why didn't you come back downstairs and wait with us at the table? The ale stained benches are cleaner and more comfortable than these dirty floors."

"Oh, I didn't want to be a bother. Hawke doesn't talk to me that much anymore and I didn't want to make things more awkward by saying something wrong and then you wouldn't like me anymore either. Hawke shouldn't talk to me anymore after what I did. I can't believe I...oh, you probably don't want to hear this again because you were there when the pride demon...no, no you weren't there anymore because of the desire demon..sorry, I'll stop talking now."

"Calm down, Kitten. Take a breath." Merrill appeared on the verge of tears but did as Isabela asked, taking one very deep breath. "Think for a moment. We both turned on Hawke in the Fade but she's still acting the same around me. It's just with you it's different. Why is that?"

"Because she likes you more than me? I would feel that way if I was her. I'm a bit dull."

"You know that's not true. You two were always off together doing...mage things...whatever you people do."

"Those things are boring...at least you said they were boring once."

"It's not boring for you two. You can talk about that stuff for hours."

Merrill rubbed her face with both hands. "I know...but that's the only thing I can talk about without saying something monumentally stupid and I bet it gets boring after awhile. I don't have any entertaining stories like Varric does and I don't say the funny and dirty things that you do. I have nothing interesting to say when Hawke and Anders discuss the Templars and I'm not 'broody' like Fenris," Merrill dropped into her Fenris impression she saved only for Isabela, Varric, and Hawke, "You can never understand my pain! It's carved into my flesh; burned into my soul. This evil magic!" Merrill stopped the impersonation, "Varric says that human women love that sort of thing."

Isabela chuckled, "Not all...I think that annoys the pants off of Hawke."

Merrill blushed a light shade of pink, "Why would Hawke take her pants off when she's annoyed?"

"Not literally, Kitten. Look..." Isabela's features grew soft with concern as she continued, "...don't worry about the others. I would bet my ship...if I had a ship...that she likes you the most out of any of her friends. I'm not sure why she's acting funny but I will find out for you."

"Oh, thank you, Isabela..."

"You should try and speak to her yourself."

"I can't do that. I mean, I already tried. I apologized and said I would be careful and that it would never happen again. I must have said something wrong."

"No, Hawke's just being an ass."

"Hawke's not bad...she's no Bartrand at least," Varric suddenly appeared behind Isabela. "What are you two doing here...hanging outside my room?"

"Discussing things," Isabela eluded the dwarf's question with a vague reply.

"Hawke? What's she up to now?"

"We don't know yet," Isabela wrapped her arm around Merrill and started to lead her away from Varric, tossing a wink at the dwarf, "We'll leave you to your...nightly adventures with Bianca."


	2. House Guests

Hawke returned to the estate shortly before sunset, anticipating a peaceful night alone in her study. She expected Varric to stop by shortly to discuss a potential business deal but after that...nothing but relaxation and studying old, dusty tomes; the perfect evening. Much to her dismay, she had company waiting for her in the form of Anders and Fenris; the absolute worst combination of visitors for someone seeking peace and quiet.

"Why don't you scurry off to your little burrow. I have important things to discuss with Hawke."

"You cannot tell me what to do, mage!"

"'Mage'? I have a name, you know. You could start using it."

"You mean 'Abomination'. I prefer 'Mage'. It's easier to pronounce."

"Oh, too funny. It's no wonder you haven't gotten any friends; either that or you smell funny."

"I don't smell funny."

"Alright, stop it, now," Hawke placed herself beside her bickering friends and crossed her arms. "Why can't you two try to get along for more than a minute?"

"Because he's nothing but a foolish mage."

"Hawke's a mage," Anders added glibly.

"But she's no fool." Fenris nodded his head over in Hawke's direction. He then turned back to Anders, "Although, you aren't quite as bad as that blood mage witch that follows Hawke around."

"Oh, I'll take that as a compliment...well, on second thought...maybe not."

"You have yet to turn on your friends at the behest of some demon. Yet. I'll give you credit for that."

Hawke's heart sunk in her chest and landed with a thud somewhere near her stomach. She really didn't want to discuss Merrill's betrayal in the Fade with these two...ever.

"I keep telling Hawke that you can't trust blood mages," Anders stated as if he was an expert on everything.

"Especially idiotic and naive blood mages," Fenris added with a sneer.

At least they finally agree on something, Hawke mused before jumping into the argument, "We've discussed this before. People act differently in the Fade...it's as if you are in a dream. I've forgiven Merrill and moved on." Hawke wasn't about to tell either of these two her true feelings on the matter. "A demon could have preyed on anyone of us successfully in the Fade."

"Speak for yourself, Hawke. I am no mage. I'm not as vulnerable to demonic influence as either of you."

"The demons never offered you anything. Also, Isabela fell prey to one of them."

"She has a point," Anders added. Fenris simply glared at him. Anders smirked and continued, "Although, it's Isabela we're talking about. I'd only be surprised if she didn't take the offer."

Hawke desperately wished for Varric to show up at the estate that very second.

"Isabela's not a mage. That's the difference."

Anders made a kissy face at Fenris, "Oh, I see that touched a nerve. Did we say something bad about your little 'friend'."

"Silence! You know there's a difference."

"Why are you here?"

Both Fenris and Anders looked completely puzzled by Hawke's question, "What?" speaking the word together in perfect harmony.

"What exactly brings either of you to my estate on this lovely evening?"

Anders answered first, "I wanted to discuss the latest chapter of my manifesto with you. I have some good ideas regarding the mage condition in Kirkwall specifically. Your cousin would love it." Anders added the last bit proudly. Hawke's cousin being Elizabeth Amell, the famous Grey Warden who ended the Blight a few years prior. She knew that her Warden relative was vehemently pro-mage freedom...but she really didn't know much else about her...besides her dalliance with Isabela that the pirate constantly bragged about. Anders held the Warden Commander of Ferelden in very high esteem, and Hawke suspected that he projected those feelings onto her.

"Oh, wonderful," Hawke feigned interest. "What about you, Fenris?"

"I needed to borrow some sugar."

Anders threw his head back in laughter, "Some sugar? You fancy yourself some sort of baker?"

"I bake on occasion. I thought I had enough sugar so I didn't pick any up at the market earlier."

Ever since moving to the estate in Hightown, Hawke noticed that Fenris desired to spend more time visiting with her. She figured it would get awfully lonely hanging out in an empty mansion all by yourself. She didn't mind his company as the elf was quite friendly once you got passed all the barriers he erected. Now she was 'that neighbor' from which he decided to borrow cooking supplies when he ran out. The only drawback to moving here was that Merrill visited her less often. While living with Gamlen, the Dalish elf stopped by to see Hawke at least thrice a week.

Hawke pushed those thoughts aside and focused on the present. The idea of Fenris working diligently over some pastry oven amused her and brought a smile to her face.

"What are you making, Fenris?"

"A rum cake. I find them quite tasty. Danarius forced me to make them for him often," Fenris' face grew darker as he mentioned his former master.

Anders chimed in, mocking the elf, "Do you wear a cute little frilly apron while you bake?"

"I have no apron, mage," Fenris spat at him, putting more emphasis on the last word.

"So you get your clothes all soiled up with flour? That's not the way to do it. Unless your master loved the sight of all you covered in flour...you dirty boy..."

Fenris clenched his right fist and growled; his lyrium tattoos glowed angrily. Luckily, Varric appeared in the entryway at that very moment.

"What's going on here?" the dwarf's sudden entry most definitely stopped the elf from decking Anders with a lyrium infused fist.

"Varric! I can always count on you to show up at the right time!" Hawke cheerfully greeted the new guest, hoping his presence would quell the tension of the current mess.

"That's why you need me, Hawke" Varric stated non-nonchalantly. He turned to the others, gazing over both and eventually settling his eyes on Anders, "What do you need, Blondie? Why are you bothering Hawke at this hour?"

"I just came to drop this off," Anders handed the stack of papers to Hawke. "I'll be leaving now." Anders turned to address Hawke one final time, "Let me know what you think." He turned and exited the estate.

Varric watched Anders leave before turning his attention to Fenris, "And why are you here, elf?"

"I'm just..."

"Bodhan," Hawke called to the dwarven man in the corner of the room. He played silent witness to the entire altercation between Fenris and Anders. "Could you please lead Fenris into the kitchen and give him some sugar?"

Varric chuckled.

"Yes, of course, Mistress Hawke."

"Thank you."

Fenris followed Bodhan without a further word. Hawke and Varric stood in silence until Fenris reappeared with his desired baking ingredient. Fenris thanked Hawke as he left the estate; she assured him that he needn't pay her back for the sugar.

Varric grabbed Fenris before he could leave, "What are you making?"

"A rum cake."

"I want one of those cakes, elf."

"You shall have one, dwarf. A good night to you all." Fenris excused himself with a small bow before leaving.

"He's not so bad...once you get passed the attitude."

Hawke smiled over at her dwarven companion:

"Well...let's get started then."

* * *

As Hawke and Varric approached the center room of the Amell estate, Butterscotch, Hawke's prized mabari hound, shot past them in a flash, almost knocking both of them on their asses. The hound carried what appeared to be a salamander clenched between its enormous fangs.

"What the...?" Varric cried out in disbelief. Before he could finish his sentence, Sandal appeared out of the blue, red-faced and angry, scrambling in hot pursuit of Butterscotch.

"Bad doggie!" the dwarven savant shouted, ignoring both on-lookers, focused only on catching the dog. Shortly after Sandal entered the study, the pair heard a loud crashing noise. Hawke figured that Sandal knocked over the bust of one of her Amell relatives long since deceased.

"There's never a dull moment at the Amell estate," Varric stated flatly.

Hawke sighed wearily, "Never."

"I think you need a vacation."

"I have the quiet moments in my room. They are mostly peaceful."

"Mostly?"

"Well, until Aveline shows up with a job; or Bodhan knocks on my door in order to apologize for something Sandal broke...which occurs more often than you would think."

"I doubt that. I have a vivid imagination," Varric chuckled. "You don't mind?"

"No. It prevents me from going mad with boredom, I suppose," Hawke smiled sincerely. She led Varric into the study. They stepped over the clay shards from the broken statue and immediately spotted Butterscotch in the middle of the room, seated on his back paws, wagging his tail as Sandal petted him. The dwarf cooed at the dog, holding the salamander in his right hand. "Good doggie."

"Well...it seems they resolved their differences peacefully. Maker knows I wish it were always that easy," Varric stated as he pulled up a chair close to the fire and sat down.

Hawke thought of the situation with Merrill. If only it were that easy...

She pulled up a chair next to Varric, "I agree, Varric." Hawke took her place next to the dwarf. Sandal and Butterscotch ran merrily out of the study, leaving the two of them alone.

"So, what did you want to discuss with me? What business deal?"

"It's not really a business deal for you. I only said that to get your attention."

"You did?"

"It has to do with Bartand."

"I see...you've located him then?"

"I have. He's returned to his estate here in Hightown."

Hawke and Varric continued to discuss Bartrand's return over a few glasses of wine. Eventually, Hawke agreed to accompany Varric to confront his brother. She didn't know how much her support meant to the dwarf. He figured that she would tell him 'no', as she had benefited from the Deep Roads expedition in the end and whatever vitriol she held for his brother would have long since evaporated. Varric was truly choked up by her loyalty but all he could muster was:

"Thank you, Hawke. This means a lot to me."

"It's no trouble." Hawke smiled warmly at her friend as he readied himself to leave. She suddenly remembered what happened earlier with Merrill and stopped him before he could stand, "Varric, before you go, I have a question?"

"Anything for you, Hawke."

"Earlier today while you were at The Hanged Man, did Merrill stop by your room to inquire about Bianca?"

"No, Hawke. I was out for most of the day dealing with this Bartrand shit..." Varric paused unsure of where Hawke was leading the conversation. "...but when I returned, I caught Daisy and the Rivani outside my room. They were talking about you."

"They were? What did they say?"

"I only caught the end of it. Isabela called you 'an ass'. What did you do, Hawke? I can't see you pissing her off...unless you refused to bed her."

"No...nothing like that. Merrill's just avoiding me."

Varric laughed in disbelief, "By the ancestors! Why would she? You're the best friend she's ever had."

"Because I'm being an ass, obviously."

"Well, it's good to know not everything coming from the Rivani's mouth is pure nonsense."

"Yes...often times it's not, surprisingly."

"I don't want to see you ruin your friendship with Merrill over something trivial."

"I know. I won't. I'll speak to her about this tomorrow."

"Whatever 'this' is...you talk to her about it. Just let me know if you need anything, Hawke," Varric rose from his chair and turned to Hawke before leaving, "Maker knows you help me out all the time with shit."

"I will, Varric. I have to figure it out first."

The dwarf made his way to the estate's exit, leaving Hawke staring wistfully at the fire. She planned on visiting Merrill first thing in the morning.


	3. The Bet

Hawke entered the Kirkwall Alienage as the morning sun beat down upon her brow. She wiped a small amount of glistening sweat from her forehead and continued her route to Merrill's home. The Alienage's occupants gave her a few suspicious looks; she didn't belong, dressed in finery suited for a Kirkwall noblewoman; a long, blue dress with a high collar and elegant white gloves. The human stood out like a qunari at a dwarven birthday party.

Hawke ignored the eyes fixed on her and approached Merrill's door. She stopped dead in her tracks, realizing she really didn't have a plan for how to begin this encounter. The night before, she laid awake in bed thinking about all the possible permutations for where this 'talk' with Merrill could take her, never settling on a definite path. She could just be honest...opening up to Merrill with complete sincerity about her feelings. However, that endeavor might lead to her making a complete ass of herself...she didn't wish to place herself in a position where her feelings weren't returned. I never play a game unless guaranteed a victory.

Hawke sighed while rubbing her face before finally knocked once after gathering some courage. There was no answer at first. Hawke hesitated before knocking again, slightly louder and more forceful than the last time. Still...nothing.

Before Hawke could pound her fist against the wood for a third attempt, the door swung open, revealing the home's lone occupant. Merrill stood in the doorway, beautiful green eyes squinting against the morning sun; her hair braidless and disheveled against the side of her head. The elf looked exhausted with dark rings around her eyes. Merrill wore a pair of black trousers that fit her lower form snugly and a slightly worn beige shirt...Hawke notice a few blood stains sprayed sparingly across the shirt. She thought nothing of it, accustomed to Merrill's use of blood magic.

"Hawke? What are you doing here so early? If I had known you were coming I would have..." the now wide-eyed Merrill looked over Hawke. She noticed that the human appeared dressed in some of her finest clothing. The elven woman frantically attempted to smooth out some of the wrinkles in her own blood-stained shirt wishing she took her bath earlier. "...I would have...by the Dread Wolf I must look like a mess."

Regardless, Hawke found Merrill's current fashion oddly attractive. In her opinion, Merrill could make anything look good, "You look great, Merrill. I just needed to talk to you. It couldn't wait."

"Well, okay. Why are you here today, Hawke? Not that I mind a visit from you but I wish I had time to prepare and...I still need to invite you in and stop babbling while you stand in the doorway, don't I? " Merrill scratched her head; an idiosyncrasy of her's Hawke knew manifested with nervousness. "You can come in Hawke...of course." The elf turned from Hawke and led her into the house. Hawke followed hesitantly and immediately changed the subject away from the reason for her visit.

"Are you busy, Merrill? I don't mean to interrupt your studies." Hawke knew that Merrill spent most of her days working on the restoration of an ancient elven mirror. The human had even attempted to assist her in the past year with interpreting some of the ancient elven texts that Merrill dug up relating to Elvhenan. Hawke's father had taught her a bit about ancient elven lore though it compared pathetically to Merrill's knowledge on the subject. In a sense, Hawke used her knowledge as an excuse to get even closer to the elf though she was genuinely curious about the artifact given her affinity towards the arcane.

Merrill remained still with her lithe backside turned to Hawke, "I was busy; with the mirror. I've been up all night working on it but I need a break," she finally turned to Hawke with a tired but heartfelt smile that somehow managed to reach her sleepy eyes and cause them to light up for the first time in hours.

Hawke had always admired Merrill's steadfast dedication to the mirror and what it represented to the elf and to her people; it was one of the many things that drew her to the woman, though she worried about the toll the efforts might take on Merrill's health.

"I shouldn't bother you, Merrill. You need to get some rest."

Merrill desperately wanted to take the easy way out and simply dismiss Hawke. She sensed that the human's unplanned visit related to the outstanding issues between them regarding the Fade betrayal. She secretly wished to avoid the talk outright and go back to toiling restlessly over the mirror, ignoring the issue forever. However, the fact that Hawke made the effort to visit her after the awkwardness of the previous night spoke volumes.

"No...stay, Hawke. I'll make some tea for us," Merrill rushed over to her tiny kitchen area, "Do you like tea? Of course you like tea...I've made it for you before. I just need to get some water and make a fire and..." Merrill made her way anxiously out of the kitchen area before stopping, "Oh, I forgot that I already had some hot water ready for myself," she touched her forehead and moved a piece of errant hair from her eyes, placing it behind her ear before walking back to the kitchen, "I'll just make tea...if you wish. I don't really have anything to eat besides cheese."

"Don't worry about it, Merrill. The tea will suffice," Hawke smiled warmly at her host as she made her way into the kitchen to join the elf.

Merrill busied herself over the kettle of hot water before grabbing two cups and placing a tea leaf in each. She poured hot water into each cup and watched as the water changed color becoming increasingly muddled and brown. Hawke watched Merrill work without a word. She felt the tension in the room acutely and it stole her tongue.

After a few more moments of uncomfortable silence, Hawke picked up her cup and drank a tiny sip from its mouth, the hot liquid burning her lips.

"Ouch...this is still a bit hot," Hawke grinned as she gingerly touched her lips, "At least now I'm fully awake."

"I'm sorry, Hawke."

"It's not your fault I carelessly drank from a steaming cup of tea."

"No, not that...though I do feel bad about your lips...they look so...delicate and lovely and..." the elf stammered as a faint blush formed around her ears, "...and you're really angry with me and that's why you've come all the way out here to visit," Merrill blurted the last part out as she sat her own cup down and moved away from Hawke.

"I'm not angry with you, Merrill," Hawke turned to face the elf though Merrill's back remained turned towards her.

"You're still upset because I...because I..." Merrill choked on her words for a moment before turning to Hawke, eyes wide with shock, "...I turned on you. I tried to kill you. I remember what happened even though I was...it was hard to think clearly."

"That wasn't you, Merrill. We've discussed this before," Hawke replied softly; not wanting to upset the elf further.

"It was...a part of me. I'm so sorry, Hawke. I'm so sorry," Merrill turned from Hawke with clenched fists and tears forming in her eyes.

"I was just...disappointed. I was disappointed that you would betray me like that. I thought we were...very close friends and I just...it just really hurt at the time...but I'm not angry."

Hawke's words cut deeply through Merrill's flesh and pierced a bloody hole in the center of her heart. She could handle Hawke's disappointment if it led to anger; Marethari often scowled and yelled at her for numerous infractions, such as forgetting to clean the distillation flask after creating a potion. Instead, she hurt Hawke's feelings and this made her human friend sad; she noticed sorrow in Hawke's eyes the first time they talked about the Fade. Merrill told herself Hawke was angry as that felt better...

She tried to reply, "Hawke...I..."

"I know."

"I...I tried to resist...you don't know what it felt like, Hawke."

"I do know. Or maybe not...but I want to know," Hawke approached Merrill from behind and placed a gentle hand on her right shoulder. The elf relaxed at the touch.

Merrill enjoyed Hawke's comforting gesture for a brief moment before she turned to face Hawke, gently brushing the human's hand off of her shoulder. Her mind was still exhausted from her studies and now full of sadness and regret; she didn't want to think about or discuss the current subject any longer. She could barely meet Hawke's bluish-grey eyes as she finally spoke, "...I need to ask you something."

"Yes, Merrill?"

Merrill's thoughts searched desperately for some new topic and considered telling Hawke about her plans to visit her clan again in order to obtain an ancient elven carving tool. She suspected that she needed the knife in order to complete work on the eluvian and wished for Hawke's company and support when facing Keeper Marethari. However, Merrill hesitated because of the timing for the request, considering the pair had just finished discussing Merrill backstabbing Hawke in the Fade...why would Hawke help her get a knife after that?

Merrill decided to withhold her request until a later. Hawke continued to stare patiently at her, expecting an important question or comment or...something. Merrill's eyes roamed nervously over Hawke's quizzical face before she found something else to discuss.

"Hawke...you're dirty."

Hawke blinked a few times and stared at her companion; confused by the sudden random change of subject and unsure what Merrill meant by 'dirty'. She remained silent until the elven woman clarified:

"I mean...you have dirt on your face. Just a small smudge on your cheek." Merrill pointed to the spot on Hawke's left cheek that contained the offending stain, careful not to touch the human.

Hawke pawed at her cheek absentmindedly. Merrill watched as her hand danced around the dirty spot until it finally wiped away the speck.

"You found it, Hawke. I wonder how it sneaked its way onto your face? You're always so neat and tidy. It's almost unnatural." Hawke remained speechless and continued listening to the elf ramble. "Sometimes I want to rub dirt on your face but that would be rude."

"You...want to rub dirt on my face?"

"Not really, but it's funny to think about. You're so...perfect."

Hawke smiled but answered with a defensive hint to her voice, "I'm hardly perfect, Merrill; not even close. I do a great job failing at perfection all by myself. The dirt would just make me dirty."

"I said something wrong, didn't I? I didn't mean...I don't want to see you dirty...well, maybe sometimes I think it would be funny...you're always so serious and Isabela once told me this was because you have something 'stuck up your ass' and you needed it stuck somewhere else and...I don't remember what she meant or why were were discussing...I'll just shut up now."

Hawke listened to Merrill and grew insecure; worried that her friends thought her intolerably boring. Great, something else for me to fret and obsess over. Ignoring these doubts for the moment, Hawke tried to steer the conversation back on track, "Was there something you wanted to ask me?"

Merrill changed her mind about requesting Hawke's assistance with Marethari. She explained to Hawke the current issues with the mirror as she led the human over to the large, cracked hunk of glass resting in a huge, golden snake-like frame. The base of the mirror sat against the far wall in Merrill's bedroom. The top of the frame featured some kind of animal, standing watch proudly over the room. Hawke figured it was a halla. She always wondered where Merrill found such a curious looking frame to hold the glass.

Merrill finished explaining her situation and Hawke had asked a few questions concerning the mirror.

"So, will you help me?"

"Yes, of course," Hawke smiled reassuringly.

"Ma serannas, lethallan. I feared that you would refuse."

"You know that I support your efforts to reconstruct this mirror. It's a fascinating artifact. Although, I can't go with you today as I promised to assist Varric with something."

"I think I can wait a few more days. Do you need my help with Varric? Is that why you really came here today? And I rambled on about other things..."

"I didn't come here to ask you that but you're welcome to come along. We're just paying his brother, Bartrand, a visit. I hope to keep the violence at a minimum, but some extra magic wouldn't hurt."

"Where should I meet you two tonight? The Hanged Man?"

"Yes, shortly before nightfall," Hawke sat her cup of tea down on Merrill's table and readied herself to depart the house. "Thank you for the tea, Merrill. We'll talk again later."

Merrill wringed her hands and looked at a spot on the floor near Hawke's feet. She knew Hawke thought of her only as a babbling idiot after today's visit.

Hawke smiled at Merrill and excused herself from the tiny Alienage home. Walking back to Hightown, she decided the visit failed to alleviate any of the serious tension within her friendship with Merrill.

Merrill felt a similar disappointment with the visit as she prepared a warm bath.

* * *

 _Nine hours later in the barracks_

"Well, it's obvious what the problem is..." Aveline spoke slowly, considering her words carefully given her current state of tipsiness.

"And what is that big girl?" The other occupant of the Guard Captain's office, Isabela, rested her right hand on her hip as she waited for Aveline to continue.

"Merrill's in love with Hawke."

Isabela laughed in disbelief, "What? You've taken too many hits to the head...or drank too much wine."

"I'm serious, Isabela."

"How do you figure? Merrill wouldn't even know what to do with Hawke." Isabela couldn't take Aveline seriously when it came to the ability to read others feelings after the Donnic incident. "I bet Merrill doesn't even know that she's supposed to know how to do something with Hawke..."

"You've never noticed the way she looks at Hawke? The things she says around Hawke?"

"You're just drunk." Isabela grabbed the bottle of wine the two shared for the last few hours and poured another glass. Bored to death out of her mind, Isabela decided to visit Aveline with a bottle of wine in tow. She wanted to talk to the Guard Captain about the Hawke/Merrill situation and even get some advice. She didn't figure Aveline would join in on the drinking but welcomed the company.

"You never noticed because you were always too busy staring at Hawke's ass yourself. Or Fenris...or some random whore on the street."

"Oh, don't get jealous. I've checked your goods out a few times..." Isabela's eyes traveled hungrily over the armored Aveline, "even under all that armor you wear."

"Shut up, I'm serious, whore!"

"You're serious about Merrill loving Hawke?" Isabela threw her head back incredulously. "That's rich coming from the same woman who fussed like a little virginal farm girl over Donnic."

"That was...different."

"Oh, I'd have noticed this if it were true. I'm an expert on lust. Here, you need another drink." Isabela poured another glass of wine for the Guard Captain.

"I said love not lust."

"Same difference."

"Your incorrigible."

"Just shut up and drink."

Aveline accepted the glass and promptly took a sip from it.

"That's my girl. Drink away those silly ideas from your fiery head," Isabela smirked.

"You need to pry that overlarge head out of your ass and pay more attention to your friends."

"I bet you're wrong...I'll bet you...," Isabela took a drink from her own glass, "I'll bet you anything."

Aveline laughed, "You're drunk."

"So are you," Isabela smiled slyly at the Guard Captain. "If I'm wrong I'll..."

"Clean the barracks for a week."

"What?"

"If you are wrong about Merrill's feelings for Hawke, you will report to these barracks every day and help clean up after the guards. You'll even get down on your hands and knees...that's not a foreign concept to you I'm sure."

"It's a deal," Isabela held out her right hand, offering it to Aveline. The Guard Captain accepted the offer, grasping the pirate's outstretched hand with a firm shake. "What do I get if you lose?"

"What?"

"If I win...you have to promise me something in return."

"Shit," Aveline realized she was at the mercy of Isabela's whims. They already shook on the deal...

"A night at the Rose for the Guard Captain."

"No!"

"I think you'd like Jenthan. He's fiesty," Isabela winked.

"Absolutely not. I will not whore around with you in that...in that..."

"You will...if you lose."

"I hate you. Shit!"

"I hope you have an excuse ready for Donnic," Isabela chuckled.

"Shit!"

"We made a deal. You're a woman of honor...you can't back down now."

"I'm not worried. I know I'm right," Aveline stiffened and stood confidently.

"Ah, pride...the downfall of many a good women." Isabela picked up her bottle of wine and made for the exit to Aveline's office. "You're not so bad when you loosen up and drink a little."

"You're not so bad when you're tolerable...which is not often." Aveline yawned, "I'm ready to hit the hay."

"...and my night's just started." Isabela winked at Aveline before departing the room.


	4. Day Trip

The battle with Bartrand and his idol-crazed thugs left Hawke bruised and worn. Varric remained at his brother's estate to watch over Bartrand who was locked alone in one of the rooms for everyone's safety. Hawke convinced Varric to seek help for the sickly dwarf instead of sticking a bolt through his skull. Now Hawke found herself slowly treading back to her own estate in Hightown accompanied by Merrill. Darkness slowly descended on the wealthiest neighborhood in the city. The two mages traveled in silence barring the occasional pained whimper from Hawke and Merrill's concerned inquires. Hawke took a nasty punch in the stomach during the chaos of the battle. She used some of her healing magics to alleviate the pain but the blow still left her feeling a bit sore and bruised.

Regardless of all the treacherous and harmful things Bartrand did to Hawke, she forgave him in the end and spared his life. Merrill couldn't deny that this hurt her more than just a tiny bit. Bartrand's greed placed Hawke in great risk not once but twice and the human seemed quite willing to forgive and forget. Merrill still feared that Hawke would never fully forgive her for the Fade...

As Hawke reached the front door of her estate, she stopped without entering and turned to Merrill.

"Why don't you just stay here tonight...in one of the quest rooms? There's no need for you to walk all the way back to the Alienage."

"I'll be fine, Hawke...I don't want to be a burden when you're injured. I can watch out for myself."

"I know you can, Merrill; but it's late and..."

"I promise you...if I stumble upon a demon along the way home, I won't make any deals with it. I won't trade your life for a loaf of bread or...or a shiny new home far away from the Alienage or even a griffon." Merrill surprised even herself with her reply. She knew it wasn't fair to take out her frustrations with a bit of snark directed at Hawke. "Oh...I'm sorry..."

"I...no, it's okay and I do trust you," Hawke smiled, thinking Merrill's quip humorous. "It's getting late and it seems foolish to walk all the way back to your home. I will feel perfectly fine after a warm bath and some rest. Besides, my mother should be home and she can keep you company for awhile."

"Thank you but I just want to be alone right now. I need to go home and...ah...clean some of my clothing. I should have something decent to wear when we meet with the Keeper tomor...oh...!" Merrill's eyes shot open wide, "...but you're not feeling well and will probably want to put this off for another day."

"I'll feel better in the morning." Hawke waved her hand, dismissing Merrill's concern. "Besides, I need to get out of this city and we're just speaking with Marethari...I'd imagine things will be relatively peaceful and it will be nothing but a fun day trip ending with you getting what you need. I'll see if I can drag a few others along just in case."

* * *

 _The next day...early in the afternoon on Sundermount_

"Why have I been brought here? This mountain reeks of wrongness and death," Fenris scowled as he tailed at the end of the party.

"For Isabela's amusement. Also, no one else wanted to come with us," Hawke clarified as she led the party up the mountain approaching their desired goal of the Dalish Elf camp.

"That's comforting," Fenris responded dryly.

"You just swing your big sword around and keep quiet," Isabela teased the elf with a wink.

"I'm so sorry for making you both come with us. I only asked Hawke. I...you can leave...go back to Kirkwall if you wish," Merrill stammered uncomfortably as she rubbed her hands, trying to remove a phantom piece of dirt. The others halted to watch Merrill's actions.

"Don't sweat it, Kitten. This is important to you. We'll be here for you."

Fenris scoffed, "'Kitten'? You treat her as if an innocent."

Isabela grabbed Merrill's cheek tenderly, "Aw, just look at her. Those big, bright, sweet green eyes. How could you say 'no', right Hawke?"

Hawke shifted her feet uncomfortably, "Just focus on the task, Isabela."

Fenris kicked a stone against a tree and growled, "Cursed mountain. What is the task, again?"

"We are here on Merrill's behalf to ask her Keeper for an elven artifact," Hawke answered directly.

"This should be easy," Isabela turned to Merrill. "Your Keeper has taken a fancy to Hawke. All she has to do is look at her with those big, beautiful, blue eyes of hers and the old woman will be like putty in her hands."

"She has not taken a fancy to me," Hawke stiffened as she faced the pirate.

"Oh, you didn't notice how she looked at you when we went into that Fade thing. When you came out all heroic and victorious over the demon...she has it bad for you...it's unfortunate for her that you prefer," Isabela glanced at Merrill, "...younger and more adventurous elven lasses."

"By the Maker! Shut up, Isabela!" Hawke cried out. She didn't consider Isabela's jesting anything meaningful. It was simply Isabela being Isabela. However, the nature of the teasing made her a bit 'touchy' as it involved Merrill.

"What's going on?" Merrill questioned her friends with a clueless expression stretched out over her face.

"Ignore her, Merrill...she's just being an intolerable pain in the ass." Hawke turned on Isabela impatiently, "What has gotten into you?"

"What does that have to do with the Keeper and putty?"

"Nothing, Merrill," Hawke replied, locking eyes with the elf, blush growing on her cheeks.

"Oh come on, Hawke," Isabela relented. "You've noticed how the Keeper dropped everything and rushed to the Alienage to help you with that elven boy. You just have to slip it to her and she'll give you whatever Merrill needs...and you."

"Isabela!"

"Slip what? What will Hawke slip to the Keeper?"

"Her tongue and perhaps more," Fenris added, paying little attention to his companion's reactions and focusing on polishing his blade.

"Her...tongue? Why would Hawke do that?"

"I'm not going to do that, Merrill."

"You should," Isabela grabbed Hawke's shoulder and squeezed. "For Merrill."

Hawke sighed and looked away from both Isabela and Merrill, "Let's just go." Merrill continued to look at both Isabela and Fenris, trying desperately to grasp the dirty joke she missed. That didn't help; she was still lost to the true nature of their banter. She only knew it had something to do with Hawke's tongue and her Keeper. Merrill knew Hawke sometimes had a clever tongue that she used often to get them out of some tricky situations...

The group finally arrived at the Dalish elf camp, putting an end to Merrill's thoughts. Hawke spoke first, "You two wait here. Merrill and I will speak with the Keeper."

"You bet," Isabela smiled before looking over at Fenris.

Fenris scowled, "Hurry with your task so we can leave this wretched place."

Shortly after leaving for the Dalish camp, Hawke and Merrill returned to their companions. The former spoke first, "You two need to come with us."

"Why?" Isabela and Fenris replied simultaneously.

"Well, in order to acquire what Merrill needs, we need to travel into a cave and kill a varterral."

"What is a 'varterral'?" Fenris inquired.

"It's sounds dangerous," Isabela added.

"A varterral is a guardian created by the ancient elves to protect our people. It's...turned against my clan for some reason...possibly killing a few hunters," Merrill clarified.

"Probably because your clan harbors a blood mage," Fenris added with scorn.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to...Hawke and I can take care of it."

"No, we'll help you, Kitten."

"Yes. We will 'help' you bring even more pain and death upon your clan."

"What? That's not what I want..."

"Drop it, Fenris," Hawke glared at the elf angrily. "Let's go if we're going..."

Hawke led the party up the mountain path toward the cave housing the creature. They traveled past the Sabrae clan without pause...Keeper Marethari watched them pass without further interference.

* * *

 _A few hours later in a dark and damp Sundermount cave_

"Pol! Why did you run?"

"Why wouldn't he? Knowing what you are." Fenris spat out angrily his own answer to Merrill's question. The former slave was losing patience with what Hawke advertised to him as a 'fun day trip to the wilderness'.

Hawke ignored Fenris and immediately rushed over to Merrill's side and wrapped her arm around the elf's shoulder. Merrill ignored the human's gesture at first and started sobbing while she placed her head in her hands. "Why?"

"Merrill?" Hawke spoke her name as softly as possible. Merrill continued to ignore her, "Why would he do this?"

"He? You did this, witch!" Fenris accused the other elf.

Hawke continued her attempts at comforting Merrill while Isabela glared at her disgruntled friend, "Stop it, Fenris. Show some respect."

"Respect? Respect for one who cares nothing of the consequences of her actions? One who cares little for those her choices affect?"

"It's not Merrill's fault he ran off and got...ah...stomped by the monster."

"It is her fault."

Merrill continued to ignore Isabela and Fenris, but finally turned her attention to the woman attempting to comfort her. She briefly looked Hawke in the eyes before grabbing the human around her waist, pulling her close. She buried her face tightly against Hawke's neck and resumed sobbing quietly; only loud enough for Hawke to hear.

Hawke held Merrill tightly as the elven woman poured her grief into her. She felt the elf trembling against her body.

"We need to leave, Hawke...now. We don't know what else lives in this cave." Fenris looked around the cave apprehensively.

Isabela sighed, "You're such an ass sometimes."

* * *

 _Nightfall at a campsite at the foot of Sundermount_

After the group returned to the Dalish camp and Merrill retrieved the elven carving tool from Marethari, they quickly left in order to return to Kirkwall before nightfall. Unfortunately, the darkness crept up on them like a cat and they decided to make camp in a tiny forest clearing at the base of the mountain.

Upon setting up camp, Isabela dragged Fenris away from the others with the intent of leaving Hawke and Merrill alone. She mainly wanted to get Fenris and his sneering remarks as far away from Merrill as possible; plus she figured Hawke could comfort Merrill better than she could.

Hawke finished setting up her tent and exited from its interior only to see Isabela and Fenris leaving the campsite for the nearby wooded area.

"Where are they going?" Hawke asked Merrill as she took a seat beside her at the fire. Merrill's face glowed hotly, illuminated by the flames.

"They needed to grab more wood for the fire." Merrill looked over to the substantial pile of wood sitting to her right and slightly behind her. "I'm not sure why...we gathered plenty firewood earlier."

"Ah yes, more wood. Well, I'm sure they will be gone for a bit." Hawke reached for the small pot filled with soup and poured herself a bowl. "Have you eaten anything yet, Merrill?'

"No, not yet. I'm not very hungry."

"How are you feeling? Do you want to talk about what happened today?"

"It's kind of you to ask but I will be fine. I think I need some rest." Merrill did wish to spend more time with Hawke and have the human comfort her but not with words. She yearned to feel Hawke's arms wrapped tightly around her as she drifted off to sleep. That sort of comfort would only exist in her dreams later on that night...or at least she hoped it would. Unfortunately, nightmares containing the varterral and Pol seemed more likely to haunt her sleep as soon as she drifted off in slumber.

Merrill bid Hawke a good night and crawled into her tent. Sleep found her easily but as she expected, nightmarish visions of Pol's lifeless body interrupted her peaceful rest. Merrill awoke suddenly; brow covered in a cold sweat. She wiped her forehead with the back of her hand and sat up in her tent and listened to the sounds coming from outside. She could only make out a bit of the conversation between what sounded like Hawke and Isabela discussing which one of them would take first watch. Merrill laid back down on her bedroll and stared at the roof of her tent. She decided to give sleep another chance.

Merrill woke shortly after drifting off into a quick and dreamless sleep. She heard nothing outside her tent but the insects and animals of the forest. She sat up and peeked outside; the camp was deserted and the fire had died down; everyone had retired to their own tent. Merrill needed some fresh air so she grabbed her scarf and wrapped it tightly around her neck, then walked away from the camp towards the forest. She intended on staying close to camp and didn't get very far in before seating herself on a tree stump near a tiny creek. She sat still and stared at the water's surface for a few moments before someone called out her name softly, startling her. It was Hawke.

Merrill gasped with shock and jumped to her feet to face the visitor.

"Oh, Hawke! I'm so glad it's you! I thought you might be a bandit!"

Hawke laughed quietly as she stepped closer to the elf, "I doubt any bandits would know your name, Merrill."

"Oh...you're right, or course...sorry."

Hawke laughed again; Merrill had always loved the way her voice sounded when amused. "There's nothing to be sorry about...you didn't try to hex me or anything." Hawke's tone changed to one of concern. "What are you doing away from camp, Merrill? Are you all right?"

Merrill sighed. "I couldn't sleep and I wanted to get some fresh air..." Merrill looked through a clearing in the trees towards the sky, "...and it's such a lovely night," she added contentedly as her gaze returned to Hawke. The women in front of her looked even more striking than usual in the soft glow of the moonlight. The pair locked eyes and held the connection for a few moments before Merrill turned her head to one side bashfully.

"Yes it is a lovely night..." Hawke finally replied. She felt the temperature of her own face rising, "...I will be up for a few more hours on watch so...if you want to talk about anything that happened today or something else that might be bothering you."

"I'm fine, no...there's nothing wrong...not at all," Merrill replied cheerfully.

Hawke sensed Merrill's evasion, "Are you sure? You've been acting differently."

Merrill dropped her gaze to the forest floor. She wanted to tell how how she felt like a failure once again but figured Hawke tired of hearing this from her. She wished to discuss their friendship; how she felt undeserving of it but how she ultimately desired more than friendship.

Hawke waited a few moments for her to respond. "Merrill?"

Merrill looked up at Hawke, "I...I don't know why you are my friend sometimes. We shouldn't be after all that I've done."

"You've done nothing to ruin our friendship, Merrill. There's no need to worry," Hawke stated softly and sincerely.

"No, I just tried to kill you in the Fade and then made you travel all the way out here when you were injured yesterday. Oh! Then there was the time I set your favorite pair of robes on fire...while you were wearing them...and a few years ago I fed some cheese to your dog and he got sick. It was...messy and you had to spend the entire day cleaning the floor of your uncle's house."

"Oh, that was you? I always thought Carver did that on purpose. He knows cheese does that to Butterscotch."

"I should have told you...it was only days after I moved to Kirkwall."

"It doesn't matter anymore, Merrill." Hawke inched closer to Merrill as she spoke. "Honestly, I would say you are the best friend I've ever had."

Merrill blushed fiercely, "Oh...I...thank you. I probably shouldn't thank you for that. It sounds silly." Merrill nervously scratched her head. "You're the only close friend I've ever had, Hawke. I suppose that would make you my best one, wouldn't it?"

Hawke smiled, "It would, yes."

Merrill continued, "I like that...being friends I mean but sometimes I fell like...I should stop talking before I say something stupid.'

"What were you going to say, Merrill? You can tell me what's on your mind."

Merrill took a deep breath then spoke quickly, "It feels like something's missing."

"Like what?"

"Sometimes I really want to kiss you...well, most of the time. That might be more accurate. But not all the time; not in combat or when I'm sleeping or..."

Hawke gently touched her right index finger to Merrill's lips halting the elf's rambling. "You can kiss me anytime you'd like...if the moment is appropriate."

Hawke's touch struck Merrill speechless. She looked into Hawke's eyes for a few moments attempting to read the human's intentions in them.

Hawke wanted to wait for Merrill to make the first move. She didn't have to wait long.

Merrill broke free of her trance and wrapped her arms around Hawke's shoulders, pulling the human close to her body and kissed her softly. The kiss only lasted a few seconds before Merrill removed her mouth from Hawke's while keeping her arms still wrapped around the other woman.

"Did I do that right? I'm not really experienced with these things."

"I think we need to do that again before I come to any conclusions. Perhaps go a bit longer next time?"

Hawke traced the tattoos on Merrill's face with her right hand before cupping her cheek. She slowly closed the distance between their faces before their lips met. Hawke led the kissing this time; it was a tender but passionate kiss that lasted up until the two of them needed air.

Hawke smiled broadly, "I think you are doing well, Merrill."

"Can we...do that again?"

"I think so."

The next kiss lasted a bit longer and was much more passionate. Merrill's hands now wandered over Hawke's back as the kiss continued. Hawke felt desire rise within but knew she shouldn't take things further with Merrill.

After the kiss ended, Merrill spoke first, "Do we have sex now?" Merrill had a different idea.

The question stunned Hawke, "What? Uh...no. We don't have to. Besides, we are in the middle of the woods now and the others are nearby."

Merrill looked disappointed, "Oh...I sort of want to now."

Hawke couldn't deny her own desire either. She had wanted this moment to happen for years.

"Shouldn't we talk about this first? I mean...you've never done this and well..." Hawke didn't want just a one time thing with Merrill. She doubted the elf would use her for such but feared the possibility of falling even deeper in love if they did become intimate and getting dropped the next morning. Perhaps Merrill only wanted sex because she wanted a fun distraction so she could forget about what happened to Pol and the other hunters from her clan? Hawke did realize by now that she was in love with Merrill. She wanted nothing more than to be with her that night.

"I know I'm inexperienced but...I want to learn...and I'll try not to do it wrong. Though I'm not sure what is considered 'wrong' when having sex...Isabela told me some things..."

"I probably won't live up to whatever expectations Isabela implanted in you head," Hawke smiled.

"Oh...no, I think you can. When I'd think about ah, these things...in private...it was mostly with you," Merrill played with her hands nervously, "No...it was always with you. I probably shouldn't be telling you about my dirty thoughts."

Hawke really wanted to ask Merrill what the pair of them did to the other in these fantasies. She decided to leave this for another time and deal with the present situation instead. Hawke was never one to let her heart rule her head but decided to take the chance with Merrill.

"Okay."

"What is okay?" Merrill sounded confused.

"The two of us together now...if you still wish to..."

Without another word, Merrill wrapped her arms around Hawke again and brought her tightly against her body; their lips met yet again with burning hot desire. The two made love for the first time on the forest floor. Hawke would have never done something like this in the past but that night she was crazy with desire and crazy for Merrill.

Afterwards, the lovers lay in each others arms for a few minutes, staring at the trees and the sky. They dressed and returned to camp and Hawke proceeded to wake Isabela for the next watch before retiring to her tent with Merrill. Hawke held Merrill in her arms as the elf drifted off to sleep. She couldn't fall asleep herself. She was incredibly thrilled on one hand because of what just happened with Merrill; on the other she was frightened and hoped the two could have a serious discussion about their relationship upon reaching Kirkwall.


	5. A New Relationship

Hawke remembered little of the return trip to Kirkwall. She did recall waking up next to Merrill that morning and sharing a quick kiss with the elf before tearing down the tent and gathering up her belongings in preparation for the return trip home. Surprisingly, things didn't feel awkward between the two after the events of the previous night; it was quite the opposite. Isabela quickly caught on that both Hawke and Merrill seemed more cheerful and relaxed than they had after returning from the battle with the varterral. The pirate kept her observations to herself as the group traveled back to Kirkwall.

Upon entering the city, Fenris split from the group first, returning to his mansion in Hightown. Instead of following Fenris to Hightown, Hawke stayed with Merrill and Isabela as they headed to Lowtown. She claimed she wished to walk Merrill home considering the awful day the elf had experienced amongst her clan, which was partly true, but she mainly wanted to discuss what happened between them the night before.

Isabela parted ways when they reached the Hanged Man but before entering her 'home' she made Hawke promise to stop by later that evening to have a chat. Hawke agreed to the request before setting off towards the alienage with Merrill.

Kirkwall's alienage teemed with life as the mid-day sun glared down over the bodies of its occupants as they shopped, worked, or played games in the streets. Everyone ignored Hawke and Merrill as they entered the central plaza area and walked past the vhenadahl tree towards Merrill's home. The pair spoke of trivial matters on their walk through the alienage; the weather, the latest item of Hawke's that her mabari chewed to bits, Varric's latest tale about talking dragons. This lighthearted atmosphere changed as soon as they reached Merrill's door.

"May I come in? We need to talk, Merrill."

"Yes...of course." Merrill unlocked the door to her home and the pair entered into the darkness. Merrill made her way over to the hearth in the center of the room and started a fire. Hawke joined her and stared into the flames for a few moments before Merrill broke the silence.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No, why would you say that?"

"Last night...did I do something wrong when we...I wasn't sure what to do and I was a bit nervous...are you here to tell me that everything I did was wrong and that it really felt awful and that I need more practice."

"No, Merrill. I really enjoyed what we did last night."

"Oh, I was hoping you wished I practice more..."

"Well, you can practice more...with me...after we talk." Hawke shifted uncomfortably on her feet. "I want to talk about what last night meant to you and to me. What do you want it to mean, Merrill?

"I was hoping that we...that we would be a couple..."

Hawke smiled, "I'm not opposed to that."

"Really? I was worried you wouldn't want to because you're a human and..."

"You're an elf..."

"I am an elf."

"...and I don't care if you're an elf."

"Oh! Good. I also feared you wouldn't want this because of what happened with the demon..."

"I don't care about that, either."

"Oh, okay..." Merrill looked confused and decided to study her shaky hands. Without hesitation, Hawke gently lifted Merrill's face back up to meet her own with her right hand.

"I'm serious, Merrill. I was never upset with you over that and I forgave you as soon as I left the Fade. I was hurt because I...care so much about you and that made me feel...that you don't care as much about me as I do about you. It seemed as if I would always be second best in your heart while your people will always be first. It's terrible for me to feel this way...and selfish."

Merrill's eyes didn't leave Hawke's as the human continued, "I envy you because your life has purpose and a direction. I suppose I don't feel as if I fit into your life anywhere. I sit around on my ass all day in my fancy silk dressing gown and fuzzy nug slippers. I've even named them, Merrill. Ser Fuzzbottom and Princess Twinkle."

Merrill, currently at a loss for words, simply replied, "Nugs aren't fuzzy."

"But slippers are fuzzy. The slipper part supersedes the nug part."

"Oh...right."

"Enough of my ramblings. I love you, Merrill. I have for some time but I was too afraid of rejection to mention it. You stole my heart a long time ago and I never once wished to get it back from you." Hawke's eyes glistened as she smiled down at Merrill, "Before you ask; no, I didn't mean that literally."

"Hawke..." Merrill voice was strained and almost breathless, "you are the most important thing in my life. You're the only one that's supported me and believed in what I was doing. I wouldn't be where I am now without your friendship...you've always been so kind to me and asked for nothing in return."

Hawke laughed nervously, "Except for now..."

"I love you already so you don't have to ask for it, ma vhenan."

Hawke sighed in relief and smiled, "Well, that settles it then. I think we're done talking."

Hawke and Merrill embraced and kissed one another with more passion than all the kisses they shared the previous night combined. As the intensity of the kiss increased, the pair drew themselves even closer to the other as if trying to merge into a single being. They broke the kiss for an instant in order to catch their breaths and Hawke whimpered quietly when Merrill's mouth left her own.  
The separation didn't last long before Hawke softly kissed kissed Merrill around the mouth, chin, and neck as the elven woman moaned quietly at every touch of the human woman's lips. They continued kissing each other for a few more minutes before Merrill pulled away and grabbed Hawke by the hands and led her into the bedroom. They quickly ended up in Merrill's tiny bed.

"Well, at least this is a bit more comfortable than last time," Hawke stated with a smile before undoing the clasps on her robe. She pulled the top portion of her robes down to her waist before pouncing on Merrill; assaulting the elf's lips with more kisses. They were both completely naked in a matter of minutes and quickly proceeded to get Merrill some more 'practice' in the arts of love.

* * *

Darkness blanketed Kirkwall as Hawke entered the Hanged Man to speak with Isabela as requested. The tavern was livelier than usual but Hawke managed to grab the bartender's attention quickly and ordered a small glass of her favorite whiskey before searching for Isabela. After carefully weaving past a group of mercenary types playfully shoving each other in the center of the tavern she spotted Isabela sitting at her usual table by the fireplace.

"Isabela..." Hawke threw her hands up and grinned broadly as soon as she reached the pirate.

"Hawke! Have a seat." Isabela returned Hawke's smile and gestured towards the empty bench across from her. As Hawke took a seat, Isabela rested her elbows on the table and leaned forward so Hawke could hear her better. The tavern was particularly noisy that evening.

"So...what's going on?"

"What's going where?" Hawke smirked as she took a sip from her glass of whiskey.

"What's going on with you and Merrill. You both were acting a little funny today. It's almost as if..."

"We had sex," Hawke deadpanned.

"...right. Wait, what? You're serious, aren't you?"

"Do I look serious?"

"Yes, but...well, when did that happen? Also, I want details."

"Last night near the campsite while you and Fenris were sleeping in addition to earlier today when we returned and no, you aren't getting any details."

"Fine, I'll just ask Merrill," Isabela waved her hand dismissing Hawke's reluctance to divulge the interesting stuff. "So...is this just a one-time thing or is there...something more going on between you two?"

"There is. I'm in love with her and she's in love with me. I suppose we are a couple now. You should feel special; you're the first one I've told."

"Shit."

Hawke cocked an eyebrow, "What's wrong? Don't tell me you're jealous..."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm happy for the both of you. But...this means that I may have lost a bet with Aveline."

"What bet? And what do you mean by 'may have'?"

"Well, the bet was about Merrill. We bet over whether or not Merrill was in love with you. I bet that she wasn't. As for the 'may have', if you don't tell Aveline about this then I really haven't lost the bet...then I won't have to...balls! I don't even remember...I think it had something to do with cleaning..."

Hawke smiled, "I doubt we'll be able to keep this from her for long."

"You could...I could do something for you in exchange...I could teach Merrill some of my better tricks; there's this really fun thing I do with my tongue..."

"I...what? No! By Andraste's flaming knickers why would you make such a bet in the first place?"

"I don't know. We had been drinking and it seemed like a good idea at the time."

Hawke laughed and finished off the remainder of her drink, "Figures. Frankly, I'm curious to see what will become of this 'bet'. Perhaps Merrill and I will pay the Guard Captain a visit tomorrow...tell her the good news about us."

Isabela sighed and finished off her ale, "You're too cruel. I have no idea what Merrill sees in you."

* * *

 _Hawke Estate, next morning_

Hawke woke with a start at the sound of light knocking on her bedroom door. Through her sleepy vision, she spotted the back of Merrill's head. She felt the elf's body pressed against the front of her own; her arms still wrapped loosely around Merrill's chest.

The knocking continued and grew in volume. Merrill finally stirred and mumbled unintelligibly.

"Ugh, who's knocking at this hour?" Hawke posed the question more to herself than to Merrill.

Before Hawke could release her hold on Merrill and jump out of bed, the door opened and her mother manifested before them.

"Rachel, dear? Are you feeling well? It's getting late and..." Leandra froze as soon as she saw her daughter and Merrill together in bed, obviously naked underneath the blanket. "...oh, I'm sorry I shouldn't...your breakfast has gotten cold, dear, and I was worried you had taken ill. I'll just leave you two alone." Leandra's face grew beet red as she finished and turned to leave the room.

"I'll be down shortly, mother."

Before Leandra left, she addressed her daughter once more without turning around, "Aveline is also here to see you." With those words, she bolted out of the room and headed for the stairwell.

Hawke simply smiled and turned to Merrill, "Well, I suppose it's later than I thought. I wonder why I'm so tired?" She kissed Merrill on the forehead, following it up with a tender kiss on the lips. No matter how many times she kissed the elf, Hawke was always surprised by how soft Merrill's lips felt against her own. She wondered if elves possessed softer lips in general...

Merrill smiled back at Hawke and returned the kiss before speaking, "We didn't sleep much, did we?"

"No, we didn't. But, oddly enough, I haven't slept this well in ages."

"Why?"

"Oh, I don't know. I have a lot on my mind, usually. Even though I really don't do much anymore."

"Why don't you help Anders with the mages? He's always bothering us about it. You do like helping them. I think it's a good cause."

"I've thought about it, Merrill. I just worry about what would happen to mother if I get involved with something like that. Then there's the whole 'my brother is a Templar' issue. Perhaps I'll speak to Anders." Hawke kissed Merrill one last time before hopping out of bed. "For now, let's find some clothes and go get something to eat."

* * *

Aveline rose from her chair as soon as she spied Hawke and Merrill enter the study in the estate.

"Hawke! There you are and..." Aveline paused briefly when her eyes found the elf that accompanied the noblewoman, "...Merrill."

"Good morning, Aveline!" Merrill replied cheerfully.

"Yes...good morning." Aveline looked slightly bemused. She quickly turned her attention back to Hawke for a second before it snapped back to Merrill. "I...wait, why are you here so early, Merrill?"

"Why are you here so early, Aveline?" Hawke snarked at her Guard Captain friend.

"I just arrived not so long ago...and I'm not wearing your clothes." Aveline nodded in Merrrll's direction. The elf was dressed in a beige blouse and black pants that were a tad too long and baggy.

"Oh no, that would be awkward," Merrill interjected.

Aveline sighed, "But why are you wearing Hawke's clothing?"

Merrill stammered, "Um..."

Hawke quickly wrapped her arm around Merrill's shoulder and kissed her on the head, "Why do you think, Aveline?"

"Oh...well...I see. So you two are...together?"

"Indeed!" Hawke beamed.

Aveline grinned, "I'm happy for you. Both of you."

Leandra entered the study and stood beside Hawke and Merrill, "As am I, dear." She had gotten over her earlier embarrassment and smiled as she touched her daughter's shoulder, "I had the cook prepare breakfast for both of you."

"Tell you what, Hawke. I'll leave you to your breakfast. I have some other things to take care of. Just stop by the barracks later on today," Aveline smiled broadly, her face betrayed the delight she felt over the news about Hawke and Merrill.

* * *

Later that night, Hawke and Merrill visited Aveline at the Keep as promised earlier. The Guard Captain wasn't alone.

Isabela stood in the center of Aveline's office with her hands rested against her hips, a look of annoyance spread across her features. Aveline appeared smug as she addressed the pirate.

"That was the bet, Isabela."

"That's not fair!"

"What's going on here?" Hawke interrupted.

Aveline handed Isabela a rag, "Some of us will be cleaning."

Isabela accepted the rag and shot Aveline and icy glare, "You're such a hard ass."

"I'm just getting warmed up," Aveline smirked. "Wait until tomorrow."

"Oh, that's so nice of you, Isabela! Helping Aveline and the guards clean the barracks!" Merrill chimed in.

"Trust me, kitten...I'm not doing this out of kindness." Isabela walked over to the elf and patted her cheek, "Well, aren't you two just adorable." Addressing Merrill, she added, "Meet me in the Hanged Man tomorrow...I have a few...questions for you. Don't bring Hawke." Isabela winked at Hawke before leaving Aveline's office.

After Isabela's departure, Hawke and Aveline discussed the on-going issues with the qunari for a short time. Upon leaving the barracks, Hawke and Merrill spotted Isabela lazily scrubbing a statue with the rag Aveline had given her.

"Well, look at you...working hard! I never thought I'd see the day that you'd do some honest work, Isabela," Hawke jested as she approached her pirate friend.

Isabela looked bored but flashed the pair a weak smile, "Why couldn't you two just remain friends and keep your hands off of each other?" she asked rhetorically. "I would've gotten Aveline into the Rose!"

"What?" Hawke required an explanation as the comment seemed a bit random.

"If she lost the bet, her and I would have spent a night at the Rose enjoying its many splendors."

"Maker, I think I'd rather have seen that!" Hawke chuckled and looked at Merrill, "We could go back there and tell her that we were lying earlier today and we really can't stand to be near each other."

"She won't believe you. Even someone as thick as Aveline can tell you two have something going on."

"Did I miss something?" Merrill wasn't sure who was being serious anymore.

"I'll fill you in on the way home. Let's go. We should leave Isabela to her duties."

Hawke wrapped her arm around Merrill and kissed her cheek. Isabela made a dirty face at Hawke who ignored it and turned with Merrill to leave the Keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'll end this fic here. I plan on doing a follow up story including this Hawke as she becomes more involved with the underground mage movement in Kirkwall (with a continuation of the Merrill romance, of course). Thanks for sticking around to read this one!


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